Monday, May 3, 2010

You can see my heart beating...

And you can see my heart beating
You can see it through my chest
Said I'm terrified but I'm not leaving,
I know that I must pass this test
So just pull the trigger..... BAM!
Rihanna - Russian Roulette

Today feels like a day of disappointment. Not all around, but in the area that I was most hopeful. I woke up this morning thinking that today would be the day that I get a job, or at least an interview. I woke up feeling like something would happen today that would move me into the right direction, that will take me one step forward... Nothing.

However, I did have an awesome day with one of my best friends. We went to see Iron Man 2 which, while entertaining, was not amazing. Robert Downey Jnr, however, plays the role of the fast-talking, quirky 'genius' (Iron Man, Sherlock Holmes, Ally MacBeal, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang...) to perfection. It's a character that I love and seek in the non-fictional men in my life but have never quite found.So, for now, I'll just have to crush on the brilliant actor that is Robert Downey Jnr... Or rather, the character that he plays so well.

The character however, is often a jerk who has some lovable qualities. For example, in Iron Man 2 Tony Stark is the quintessential self-absorbed, arrogant jerk who just does whatever he wants to, whenever he wants to... Noone else really matters.

Which leads me to the question: Am I one of those women who always falls for the 'bad' guy?

No. However, I do hate... and I mean HATE... nice guys. Nice guys are spineless, and while they may appear to be perfect, they are all but. For one, nice guys don't know how the draw the line between being nice and being annoying. They don't know how to assert themselves. They obey every command until one day they either have an explosive outburst, they disappear or they retreat into their little cave and hide. Nice guys are really just annoying guys... or players trying to get into your pants.

I've got screwed over by more of  those token nice guys (that is smart, caring and awkward... with an almost good sense of humour) than bad guys.

Without getting into that tragic tales, let's consider the 'bad' guys.

This morning I received an email from a man I used to work with; every single staff member considered him to be a player, a snake and a man not to be trusted. I myself fell for the vicious rumours. One day, while stuck in an elevator, he kissed me. I being the virgin and somewhat saint of the store, did what a player would normally do: I pretended that nothing happened, and that it meant nothing. The next morning, he came up to me and jokingly said, "Why didn't you call me? I was staring at my phone the entire night, waiting for you to call." I thought he was simply mocking how women generally react to such a situation but I simply smiled and walked away. In his email, he told me that he hadn't been joking that morning; he was testing the waters, afraid that I would reject him... And I did, but only because I thought that he was someone he wasn't.

Like seriously, can men get any more confusing.

When the bad guys turn good...

photo from http://gremlindog.com/
Even Darth Vader had a good side that made us all like and feel sorry for him.

It is this notion that often leads women to hang onto men who treat them like krap, in the belief that the man would eventually 'change'. They believe that bad guys are essentially nice guys pretending to be tough so that they cannot get hurt. Which is true in some cases... like men who pretend to be overly confident when they are really extremely insecure; men who actually lie about themselves because they feel that inadequate. Men seem to easily juxtapose contradictory characteristics as if it were normal and then blame women for overanalysing things when they merely try to work out WTF is going on with their man.

Men are the complicated ones. Women talk. They reveal who they are and what they want at the very beginning. Men pretend or disappear into their caves without a word. In the end, men are men. They are neither nice nor bad because they are generally both at the same time!
 
Which leads me to my own heartbreak: A man who treated me like krap on the first day that we met... and the second... and the third. At first, I endured because I was arrogant and couldn't handle being dismissed that easily. Then I got to know him, and liked him immediately. For every time that he treated me like krap, he would reveal a glimpse of that other side to him; the 'nice' side. It was magnetic. On top of it, he was that guy who fulfilled every criteria on my 'perfect man' list (as seen in movies like The Ugly Truth). He literally completed me. That is how I saw it; we fitted like a puzzle. While I was a natural writer, he was a natural talker; he acted and I always wanted to be a film director; he sang and I was learning guitar... I loved him and he didn't love me.

He was one of those guys who were either despised or adored. My friends, of course, hated him. Nevertheless, I endured much to their disapproval. Every flaw they pointed out became another reason for me to love him until there was nothing that he could do to make me see him as anything less than the perfect imperfection. Forward three years and he finally reveals the entirety of his 'nicer' self. It was overwhelming in the best possible way; but he still didn't love me. In the worst possible anticlimax, the relationship ended in the same way that it had begun; with an added public humiliation and a negligible self-esteem. At the end, I was alone. My friends had adopted a 'what did you expect' attitude, with one even saying, "See, now you finally have them laughing at you!" The people who had adored him refused to believe what he had done because they considered him to be 'such a nice guy'. I had believed it too, and sometimes I still believe it. It's easier to forget the months that you lay face down in an already tear-stained carpet sobbing your heart out, then to admit that you had made a mistake... a four year mistake.

The thing is, you never actually know whether the one you are with is the right one. You never actually know whether they are perfect or scum; good or bad. Love is like a game of Russian Roulette; you have to keep taking a chance. I once heard about a woman who had been with a man for seven years before getting engaged to him only to find out that he had been sleeping with other women for six of those years. Relationships can ruin you to the extent that you can no longer function effectively. It's not only about being able to love again, but being able to trust, to let go, and to believe again.

How did love become so hard?
How did hurting someone become so easy?

Say a prayer to yourself
He says, "Close your eyes, sometimes it helps"
And then I get a scary thought
That he's here, means he's never lost

Today's inspiration: heartbreak. Because the most tortured souls are usually the most creative/ talented.

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